But the ups and downs seem to have become more exaggerated. Am I merely a Type A extremist that is finally getting comfortable with the downward swings?? Are they really downward swings at all, or just a lateral step I haven't taken in a long time?? I worry that I'm bi-polar and I don't know if that's just an aptly descriptive word to describe my actual character extremes or if that's something that indicates I need a psychiatric eval. And I don't care. I am a difficult person, I know it. I have always known it. It has been many times confirmed. If I fight it, it gets worse. This is me, for good and bad.
The ultimate secret truth about me is this, though. I've always been the quiet girl standing on the edge of the room, the one who has friends in every social clique, and who always gets a thousand "stay sweets" scribbled in the yearbook, but not too much else that signifies more than a deeper relationship with more than a select few people. Average looks, average height, and I dress like I can't decide if I want to be "generic American" in jeans and t-shirts or something either a) slightly punkier in boots and tattoos or b) chic in designer strappy shoes. (The jeans always win--more comfy.) To those who just see the exterior or go by first impressions I'm always somewhere in the middle: non-descript. I am for all outward appearances the female version of amiable, gentlemanly Dr. Jekyll. But truthfully, my inner self is more like beastly Mr. Hyde. Ms. Hyde.
"Ms. Hyde" is a little closer to the surface, just simmering there under my skin, ready to boil over at any given moment. I wonder if it's the Keppra, really. It's still me, but is it the Keppra that keeps her on simmer just under the surface? Either way, the fact remains that Ms. Hyde is just another part of me, and I have slowly stopped caring about keeping her tucked away and silent. The family and friends worth having in my life are strong people, and I'm counting on them to let me know when I've gone too far . . . they know the best and worst of me already. It's just that Ms. Hyde has been getting a little more vocal. Here're a few examples:
My temper has always been flash-fire quick and my first reaction is to physically react, but I recognize the value in a calculated and calm revenge over that of a quick response. Children I have patience for, but if you fall into that "you should know better" category then you get no leniency in the temper department. I was probably a mob boss in a former life.
I have zero-tolerance for indecision, waffling, vacillating, equivocating, or other forms of "I just can't prioritize what I want." If you don't know what you want for yourself, or are too scared/cowardly to be honest enough and admit it, then step aside and don't complain when someone else makes the decision for you. Not choosing is still a choice. Being "polite" and letting someone else decide is fine, but I hate stringing it out. It drives me completely nuts!!
Same goes for complaints of a) "too old to go to school", b) "not talented/skilled enough to do better", c) "I don't know how to" . . . or anything that qualifies as a flimsy excuse against 95-yr olds earning college degrees, Bill Traylor, and various how-to publications/resources. Also, if you make a mistake, then willingly do it again, and again, and again, AND complain about it each time then you officially qualify as having a learning disability and being A Fool (see above). In adults, this is neither attractive, cute, nor entertaining. Example: if you grouse about having to pay 4-digit taxes one year, then fail to either set aside money for taxes the following year or adjust your W-2 withholding to compensate . . . for three years in a row . . . we're officially done because you are a child and I don't date children.
I think humans are the worst animals on the face of the planet and that as a species we deserve to die of starvation, thirst, or violence. Stop building in the desert and complaining about lack of water. Stop building out into the suburbs so Junior and little Sally can have a yard to play in and then complain about higher taxes to fund the new schools, road upkeep, sewage and drinking water services, and emergency services that have to be established for you. Don't have umpteen children and then expect welfare to support you . . . my taxes are supposed to help me, too, but now I have to work until I drop because you can't keep your pants zipped.
I think most politicians are over-payed sell-outs who deliberately set out to ruin good bills in order to pad their own pockets.
I think religion (including atheism) has become an allowable means for small-minded people to freely disparage or destroy those with different beliefs. I think that people need to stop praying for divine intervention and start understanding that Good and Evil are actions that humans chose to make and the difference between the two is relative to his/her/your/my perspective of the deed. If you want world peace, then recognize that "love thy neighbor" doesn't come with conditions: it's about tolerance and respectful understanding of differences . . . and possibly the understanding that your neighbor's beliefs may not include tolerance of you.
I think that people who apologize for something they didn't do, feel guilty for something they have no control over, and/or insist they are just being "nice" are self-deluding, manipulative narcissists. "People-pleasers" are a waste of time, space, and valuable resources like food, water, and air.
- Did you cause my grandfather's death? If no, then don't apologize. (Concern and/or empathy are what you mean.)
- Did you cause, or affect, a course of action that hurt someone? If no, then you shouldn't feel guilty.
- Did you pretend to like, admire, or be interested in a person/place/thing in order to "be nice" to someone? If no, then you are an honest person; if yes, then you're a liar to both yourself and that someone. Don't be "nice," be honest . . . be tactful if you want, but be honest.
I can buy fake plastic people in the toy department, but I want nothing to do with them in real life. Fake plastic people, like Barbie, are disposable.
** **I wonder sometimes, standing over here on the edge of the room, looking all average, if there are a few others who feel the same as me about some things, or if everyone has their own Mr./Ms. Hyde they keep to themselves. If so, then why do we do that? Are we afraid the world will not like us? Are we afraid that the world will be worse if humans acknowledge and speak out-loud those things that really bother us? Are we afraid of something else entirely??
I'm not afraid of being unliked, and I think that the world would be better if we were more honest in our outward character, more tolerant, and less "nice". At any rate, my inner voice--the one that is not so quiet and average--will be sticking around for some time.
A lifetime, in fact.
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