Rationalizing

I am not having a mid-life crisis. Nor will I add it to the 'to do' list for this year, or any year after (unless it suits my purposes in ultimate world domination or unless I'm just really, really bored).

I'm 32 this year. I'm employed in a career I studied for and actually enjoy going to most days, I own my car outright, I rent an apartment in a really cool house because I have no desire to tie myself to my own mortgage and busted waterheater/roof/random electrical appliance at this time, if ever. I'm currently single and have no plans to marry or have my own children--if it happens, it happens, but it's not on my 'to do' list, you know?

I'm happy and busy doing all the things I DO have on my lifetime 'to do' list.

But there are times when I'm between the Doing, times when all I have on my plate is Thinking, and I wonder if I'm doing it right, if I'm making the most of my life. Am I setting myself up for an empty life later when my family has died or moved away or forgotten me in my dotage? Will having friends and a few Kitties be enough to sustain me as i get older if I don't get married and pop out a few Kiddies?

I know I'm missing out on some of life's ups and downs by not having a family of my own, but will it be something I regret later, or will I only wonder about what could have been as I do now?

Sometimes I feel like the odd-man out when it comes to these things. My friends and younger siblings/cousins are off married and having babies. I love hearing their stories, living a little bit vicariously through spousal drama and sibling rivalry and horror stories of the birthing ward. And it drives me a little nuts when/if someone disputes my own life experiences with babies/kids just because I didn't push one of my own out. I digress . . .

My little sister celebrated her 10-year anniversary this summer and her youngest is now officially in school this year. Pam is my lifetime reference point--a day in her life and I'm able to definitively say (most of the time) that I am on the right track for my own life and goals. But the good stuff I wonder about. The kids birthday parties, the shoe shopping before school starts, finding the ultimate compromise with the hubby after a scorching fight, teaching the kids how to cook without burning down the house, grousing about the cell phone bill, the TEEN years, OMG!

I DO wonder. Sometimes I think I miss what will likely never be, but at the same time I'm happier for not having it. I can still be an awesome aunt or (as the case is in my mom's family) a favorite cousin and be there for the kids and have the means to take them places and do things just for fun, but at the end of the day, at this point in my life, I'm happy to send them home to mom and dad. Still, I wonder.